


but waking up is harder when you wanna die

by CherriesAndRaindrops



Series: it feels so scary, getting old [1]
Category: Original Work
Genre: Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Band Fic, Gen, Genderfluid Character, M/M, Nonbinary Character, Suicide Attempt, attempted overdose
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-02-02
Updated: 2021-02-02
Packaged: 2021-03-14 19:42:21
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,443
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28926000
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/CherriesAndRaindrops/pseuds/CherriesAndRaindrops
Summary: “Ronnie, it’s not what it looks like.”
Relationships: Campbell O’Malley/Isiah Rivas, Ronnie Cheney & Nate Tyler
Series: it feels so scary, getting old [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2141364
Kudos: 1





	but waking up is harder when you wanna die

**Author's Note:**

> here’s a few things before we start off.
> 
> -title inspiration; elizabeth on the bathroom floor by eels.
> 
> -trigger warning for a suicide attempt and suicide ideation, doesn’t get directly showed and it gets interrupted, but it’s in there.
> 
> -nate’s genderfluid and uses both he/him and she/her. also campbell’s non-binary and uses they/them.
> 
> -uh that’s it. enjoy my crap.

“Nate?”

Nate groaned quietly as she was woken up, her eyes opening to see Ronnie standing in the doorway.

“Leave me alone...”

“We gotta be at the studio in an hour and a half.” He explained. “Now c’mon, don’t make me drag you out of bed.”

“Fine, just lemme take a shower...”She murmured, sitting up and rubbing her eyes.

“Don’t be long.”

And with that, Ronnie walked out of her room.

Having him as a roommate was hard for her to get used to. He was a bit... over-protective, to say the least. She always woke up to texts from him asking her if she’d taken her meds, he’d ask if she was okay everything five minutes, he made dinner for her whenever she’d had a bad day...

Oh well, it was better than having no home at all. Plus, even though he’d never admit it, he liked it when he checked in on him. It was one of the few things that made him feel loved.

He got up, trudged to the bathroom, stripped himself of his deep red sleeping bonnet and matching night shirt, and jumped into the shower.

Not even the trails of hot water running down her body could wake her up. She was just so tired.

She just found herself sitting in the tub, trying to find the strength to move herself out of it.

She hadn’t had much strength to do anything lately. No matter how many times she called her parents, cried to her therapist, or confided in her bandmates, she just felt powerless, weak, not in control of anything. It was like the whole world was moving on without her.

He eventually pulled himself out of the bath, and made his way back to his bedroom, where he found that Ronnie had already set up an outfit for him.

He was always doing helpful things like that for him.

He threw on the red t-shirt, clipped on the slightly ripped pale blue overalls, and slipped on the grey socks before flopping down back on the bed, staring up at the white ceiling.

She wanted to take in all her surroundings, as they would all be gone by tomorrow.

“Nate! It’s time to go!”

“Coming, Ronnie!”

—

The car ride to the studio was nothing but silence until the ringing of Ronnie’s phone broke through it.

He quickly pulled it out and answered it. “Hey, baby.” He said, a smile drawn out across his face. “What’s up?”

Nate peered out the window and tuned out the conversation between her best friend and his girlfriend, Lola Tam, a famous tiktok and instagram influencer. She was quite the socialite, with her father being the owner of a fashion brand and her mother being a successful tv actress.

She was kind, funny, and loving, and Ronnie adored her more than anything.

She would give anything to be adored like that, but unfortunately for her, the person she wanted to be cherished by, her best friend, could never see her that way.

Her name was Deedee Nikolas, an up and coming rockstar from the heart of New Jersey with short brown hair and brown eyes full of dreams. She was feisty, energetic, loud, she could make an entire room like up with her smile...

She was everything Nate wanted, but she didn’t want her.

He decided to text her.

_“hey!”_

_“how’s your day going?”_

He placed his phone on his lap and pressed his face against the car window, the song playing on the radio and Ronnie’s voice seemingly mixing together in his head to create one new, unique sound.

—

“Well, well, well. Look who decided to show up.”

“Shut up, Oliver.”

“Aw, c’mon, Ron! Lighten up for once!”

There, sitting on the right side of the recording both, was Oliver Levi. The son of their band’s manager, he usually kept them in line when he wasn’t around. He was quite the wisecrack, constantly teasing them whether he got the chance, which irritated Ronnie to no end.

“Hi Nate! Hi Ronnie!” Isiah grinned, waving at the two. He was curled up against Campbell’s side and wearing his yellow hoodie, just like usual.

Nate sat down a bit far away from the rest of the group, and pulled out her notebook. She didn’t want them to see what she was writing.

“Isiah!” Oliver called. “You’re up.”

Isiah moved out from under his partner’s arm and walked timidly into the booth.

“You ready?” The redhead asked.

The curly-haired man nodded.

“Alright!” Oliver responded, fiddling with the buttons on his panel. “And you can start... _now!”_

Although he wasn’t a man of many words, Isiah had a beautiful voice. It was sweet like honey and soft like silk, and it flew on every note like a dove.

Nate glanced over at Campbell and saw nothing but undying love for him in their crystal blue eyes. They sat on the couch, head resting in their hand and wearing the dumbest smirk she’d ever seen as they stared at their boyfriend. They were so snarky to everyone they’d met, so brash, so rude... but when they were with Isiah, they burned all those walls down.

And who wouldn’t? Isiah was quiet as a mouse, but once you got to know him, he was nothing but a sweetheart. Nate would miss him when she was gone.

That reminded her of why she had brought her notebook with her.

She took it out, along with a pen, and began writing out her reflection, her thoughts, her remarks, her goodbyes. She wrote for what felt like a century, tuning everything out as if her pen and her notebook were the only things in the world that mattered, and everything else had just faded away into thin air.

She needed to tell her story before she disappeared.

She only wrote for twenty minutes, but it felt like twenty years.

He felt something soft be placed into his lap, and looked down to see Georgie, Isiah’s stuffed manatee.

“It looked like you needed him.” He said, a tiny grin on his face.

Nate could felt a lump rise in her throat.

“Thanks, Isiah.”

“You’re welcome!”

She held that manatee against her chest as hard as she could for the rest of the recording session.

—

“You okay, Nate?”

“Yeah, I’m fine.”

“You sure?” Ronnie asked, keeping his eyes on the road as he drove. “You’ve been really quiet lately.”

“I’m just tired.”

The shorter one of the two huffed, knowing that his friend was lying. “You know that you can tell me anything, right?”

“Yeah, you tell me that everyday.”

“And it’s the truth.”

Her life was so repetitive. Everyday was almost identical; She was awoken by Ronnie after accidentally sleeping in for too long. Some days she would have a recording session with the band or a therapy appointment, so she would attend to those activities. On the days she didn’t, she’d stay home and watch tv, write songs, and maybe read a book. Of course, she’d run the occasion errand, but Ronnie knew that she barely had enough energy to get out of bed each morning, so that was usually his responsibility. Then, they’d both go to bed, and rinse and repeat. It was very boring, and sometimes even tiring.

She was happy that she’d be leaving it behind tonight.

But there was some things he’d miss about it.

He looked at Ronnie, who was staring down the car-filled road, attempting to drive back to their house. She’d probably miss him the most.

They eventually reached their tiny flat that rested at the end of the small, secluded neighborhood they inhabited.

Nate followed Ronnie into it for what she was almost certain would be the finale time.

—

The rest of the day seemed to fly by like a bird that had just been freed from it’s cage.

It was nearly half past 11, and Ronnie sat in his office, staring blankly at his computer screen, desperately attempting to get over his writer’s block. It was taking him weeks to write this one song. At this point, he wanted to scrap it and start anew.

Suddenly, he felt a pair of long, slender arms wrap themselves around his chest, and a warm cheek rest itself on his head.

“I’m going to bed.” Nate whispered. “Don’t overwork yourself, okay?”

“I’ll try not to.” The man below him responded, giving his arm a squeeze before he walked out of his office, the sounds of the creaking floorboards getting gradually quieter as he got closer and closer to his room.

And so, Ronnie got back to work.

—

_I’m sorry about this, I tried fighting for as long as I could, but I can’t take it anymore._

_Isiah, I want you to smile for me, okay? You’re one of the bravest people I know, and no matter what happens, I know you’re gonna get through it. Tell Georgie I said hi._

_Campbell, I owe you a lot. You helped me figure out who I truly was. I know you joke about being a bitch a lot, but you’re one of the kindest people I ever knew. Never change._

_Deedee, even though we only knew each other for a few months, you changed my life. You taught me how to live life like every day was my last. I love you.... and not as a friend._

_Mom and Dad, I’m sorry I let you down. I know you had a lot of faith in me. This isn’t your fault, okay? It’s my own, I’m doing this to myself._

_Ronnie, thank you for everything. You’ve done so much for me throughout my life, and I’m so, so thankful for all of it. You’re an absolutely amazing person, don’t forget that._

_That’s really all I have to say. I love you all. Goodbye._

_xoxo,_

_Nate._

—

Ronnie was rudely awakened by a loud noise coming from the bathroom.

He shot up in his chair, quietly gasping before becoming slightly adjusted to his surroundings. He’d fallen asleep in his office, surrounding by haphazardly placed papers and pencils.

He slowly got up, stretching a bit. He thought about the sound for a moment. It had sounded like someone had dropped something that had scattered, like a box of marbles.

Hesitantly, he walked to the bathroom door, his mind filled with many outlandish possibilities as to what could be in there. He took a deep breath, and swung open the door.

Instead of an answer, all he got were more questions.

“...Nate?”

His friend was hunched over a bunch of fallen meds, looking at him as if he was a deer in headlights.

“But I thought you’d already taken your-“

He saw the note in his hand, and everything clicked.

“Ronnie,” Nate started, his voice cracking as he noticed his sudden change in expression. “It’s not what it looks like-“

He was cut off by Ronnie rushing towards him and pulling him into a tight hug.

He tried to speak, but all he could do was wrap his arms around him and cry.

He fell on his knees pitifully, dragging Ronnie down with him.

“You didn’t take anything, right?”

She shook her head, her head sinking into his shoulder, her tears staining the spaghetti straps of his tank top.

She wished she’d did.

“Good, good...” He whispered softly, like a concerned mother. “Let’s go back to your room, yeah?”

She nodded, not being able to find the strength to push words out of her mouth.

“Alright.”

She felt him wrap one arm around her legs and firmly place the other on her back before picking her up, swiftly moving his right hand from her back to her shoulder before carrying her to her room and gently lying her down on her bed.

He was so short, and yet so strong.

“Do need anything?” He asked, stroking her cheek.

“...s-stay with me.” Nate muttered. “I... I don’t want to be alone.”

“And you won’t be.” Ronnie assured. He plopped down next to him, and pulled him into a hug, positioning his head on his chest. “You feel my heartbeat? Focus on that.”

Nate was getting overwhelmed. He was overwhelmed by Ronnie’s kind words of affection, Ronnie’s warm, sweet embrace, Ronnie’s calming nurturing, and almost parental aura.

It wasn’t a bad overwhelmed, it was more of a pleasant overwhelmed, or maybe somewhere in between, there were a lot of emotions flooding through his head.

He didn’t remember a lot of the events from that night when he arose in the morning, but he did remember one thing.

Right before he drifted away to sleep, he was lying down on his bed, his head on Ronnie’s stomach. As the drowsiness finally overtook him, he could hear Ronnie’s deep, relaxing voice as he gently rubbed his back.

_“You are my sunshine...”_

He sounded like he was on the verge of tears.

_“My only sunshine...”_

Nate squeezed his hand. She hated the thought of making him sad.

_“You make me happy...”_

He couldn’t keep his eyes open much longer.

_“When skies are gray...”_

He could feel the conscious draining away from his body.

_“You’ll never know, dear...”_

He was excited to go to sleep, as he could finally be free for a couple of hours.

_“How much I love you....”_

He closed his eyes, and finally, he was out cold.

_“Please don’t take my sunshine away....”_

Ronnie cried himself to sleep that night, his mind plagued with thoughts of what he could’ve done to prevent his friend from attempting to take her own life.

—

Nate woke up early the next morning.

She lied still for a moment, feeling too tired to get up, when she heard a familiar voice reach out from behind her.

“Good morning.”

He rolled over to see Ronnie sitting on the edge of the bed, smiling gently.

The mental image of him standing in the bathroom with that petrified expression hanging from his face returned to her head, and she felt her stomach sink.

“...hey.”

“You feeling any better?”

She shrugged. No words could properly express how damaged she was truly feeling.

“You need anything? Like a glass of water or something?”

“I want a hug.”

“Oh, come here.” Ronnie cooed, pulling him into a hug. Nate hugged him back, recreating the warm and security he had felt the night before.

Ronnie always made her feel warm and secure.

“I love you, you know that?” He asked.

She chuckled. “You’ve told me a thousand times, of course I know.”

“I’ve seen the sunset a thousand times, too.”

Nate sighed happily, placing his chin on his shoulder, feeling content.

“I love you, too.”


End file.
